{"id":377,"date":"2014-11-30T08:00:48","date_gmt":"2014-11-30T06:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/?p=377"},"modified":"2014-11-30T18:43:14","modified_gmt":"2014-11-30T16:43:14","slug":"johannas-week-13","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/?p=377","title":{"rendered":"Johanna’s Week 13"},"content":{"rendered":"

Strong<\/strong> – Health Scare Part 1<\/strong> (I got the results, 100% healthy)<\/p>\n

The word \u2018Strong\u2019 came up with one of the beads Tuesday morning, and it couldn\u2019t have been more appropriate.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know when, but at least a few months ago, I discovered a lump in my throat. It\u2019s not visible, but obvious when you touch it. It\u2019s about 1,5 cm (1 inch). A friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago, another one quite recently. And still it wasn\u2019t until I had a chat with my mother and sister that I realized my lump actually could be something serious.<\/p>\n

So Tuesday morning was the day I was to call the doctor\u2019s office to schedule an appointment. And there in the morning right in front of me, was the message I needed – STRONG. Two days later I found myself at the doctor\u2019s office. The first thing you do here in Sweden is to register and pay the humble fee for your visit – 200 Swedish kronor (30 dollars). As I paid I got this gut feeling that I better ask the receptionist for a high-cost protection form. Cancer was on my mind, and I figured if I am sick my financial situation will be affected, me being a freelance writer and all… So I got the form and the receptionist puts the first stamp in it, and my heart races and I wonder – \u201dIs this my first stamp having cancer?\u201d.<\/p>\n

During the medical exam the doctor finds two more lumps. If I at first was quite relaxed about the lump situation, that had now changed. I saw her worried look as she discovered the new lumps, and I noticed how her voice changed as she told me not to worry. And I know, that\u2019s what she has to say. There\u2019s absolutely noting else she can say, unless she breaks the rules. I noticed that I couldn\u2019t quite fixate my gaze, and I felt the muscles in my face tighten. My heart started to beat faster, and my hands got a bit shaky. In my mind different scenarios of how I will handle having cancer flashed before my eyes. For how long will I be able to work? Will I survive the cancer? Will I be able to have a baby (my friend told me they are freezing the eggs, and that one can\u2019t really have a baby for the next 10 years if one doesn\u2019t want to risk getting a relapse). I\u2019m thinking ‘I\u2019m screwed’. But then, do I want to have a baby? Will the people who hire me for work withdraw, and hire other writers because I will be a liability? How will I then make money? Who will help me out? I know from experience that life changing events makes your friends and loved ones show their true colors – so…who will stay and who will leave me behind?<\/p>\n

The doctor never used the C word during my visit, and I couldn\u2019t help but thinking of the unspoken. And when she gave me the referral she still didn\u2019t say. It wasn\u2019t until I got the paper in my hand that it was clear, the referral was to \u201dRadiumhemmet\u201d, the Oncology department.<\/p>\n

I had 4 days before I could go and get the tests done. Fear was creeping up on me after the doctor\u2019s appointment. I started to google possible diagnosis, treatments and outcomes. But then I stopped myself. I\u2019ve become really interested in the power of thought, that what ever we are thinking of we manifest in our lives. I realized that I was stirring up a lot of negative emotions, and I knew it could only affect me in a negative way. It didn\u2019t help me one single bit. I pondered the word \u2018Strong\u2019 that I had gotten out of the bead jar on Tuesday morning. I decided that I would hold on to \u2018Strong\u2019 in the sense of not being broken or injured. I decided that the only way to be healthy was to redirect my thoughts. I decided that I was whole, healthy and strong. That I won\u2019t be sick until I get a diagnosis.<\/p>\n

Of course I couldn\u2019t just release the worrying and fearful thoughts, but when I noticed they were creeping back into my mind I told myself they won\u2019t help me. That I couldn\u2019t do anything about the situation right now, that I just needed to wait until I can take the tests. That the only thing I could do right now was to live my life the best way I could. The beads clarified this week\u2019s battle in amazing way. The morning ritual centered me. I noticed when pondering having a serious illness that I am already living my life the best way I can. In that moment I knew that I was okay, that I in that moment didn\u2019t want to change one thing about my life. Maybe if I just had 30 days to 6 months left to live, then I might ponder traveling, but other than that… I\u2019m living my days the way I deeply want to. That realization made me more at ease. I also realized that I before The Bead Movement wouldn\u2019t have handled the situation as gracefully as I know did, and I wouldn\u2019t have come to this sense of ease in the midst of it all. I would have panicked. The invaluable experience of this week was that I instead of living in a worst case scenario, chose to live in uncertainty. That I, in fact, chose to live in the NOW.<\/p>\n

Love, Johanna<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Strong – Health Scare Part 1 (I got the results, 100% healthy) The word \u2018Strong\u2019 came up with one of the beads Tuesday morning, and it couldn\u2019t have been more appropriate. I don\u2019t know when, but at least a few months ago, I discovered a lump in my throat. It\u2019s not visible, but obvious when […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":379,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[170,7,39,168,108,164,14,18,44,129,17,169,166,22,165,167,6],"class_list":["post-377","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-johannas-blog","tag-awareness","tag-beads","tag-fears","tag-health-scare","tag-healthy","tag-illness","tag-inspiration","tag-johanna-ginstmark","tag-meditation","tag-mindfulness","tag-motivation","tag-power-of-now","tag-power-of-thought","tag-present","tag-strong","tag-swedish-healthcare","tag-the-bead-movement"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/bild3.png","post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/377","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=377"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/377\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":389,"href":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/377\/revisions\/389"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/379"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=377"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=377"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thebeadmovement.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=377"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}