The hedgehog

“Don’t come near me today”, I say to my husband.
I am angry, sad and all in between. For no reason and all reasons. It’s one of those days when I can’t stand to be in my own skin.

After listening to a podcast about our beads, a friend of mine asked “Do you ever feel like you have wasted a day?”. My reply was, “of course”. In fact, I often have regrets. Like, “I wished I had talked less and listened more”, “I wished I had been more firm” or I wished I had achieved more, loved more, mattered more. There are a lot of regrets. But, my beads help me. They make me choose again. Every single morning is like New Years day when we get to start all over.

Just this, having to write this blog post today when I feel like the worst possible me, makes me see that there is a possibility to detangle the anger I feel.

As I thought about what to write today, I had a picture in my mind of a hedgehog. I feel like one, fighting off the world with the spines. Then I started to think about how they crawl into a ball, spines sticking straight out, when they perceive danger. Pretty much how I started the day… and then the real question popped up in my mind – what is it I am protecting myself from?

And there was the answer: Feelings I don’t want to feel.

So there is my task for the day. Instead of being angry with my family, I need to give myself some time to be with what I find is uncomfortable. And by doing that I will not only heal myself, but stay out of inflicting more anger on the people around me.

So yes, there are plenty of regrets even though I try to live a more conscious and present life. But what it gives me is the constant reminder that I can choose again when I falter.

Johanna.

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