Sometimes I have used words such as brave and courageous without really knowing what they meant in a day-to-day scenario. It’s a good thing to think of the big picture, of Joan of arc and what she did but how does that translate for me now? I’ve often thought that should I be required to do something bold in some sort of wartime extreme situation I would hope to think like Joan of Arc and tackle it all head on in some kind of blazing heroic scenario.
But what about in my every day living, is it possible for me to live bravely?
Well turns out that I can. At least I did this week. This might sound a little grand, but this week I operated not from a place of fear but from a place of truth.
There’s something about confronting my own mortality now, not when I’m ill or in the sunset years of my life, but here, now, in full health and bounding around. It’s freeing me up to not beat about the bush but just to bang on and say things. A little like when I’ve heard old people say that they just say what they feel now and get on with it, I guess they feel that they’re near the end and so to hell with the consequences of speaking their mind. I don’t want to wait until I’m in my 90s to say what I feel about things.
With regards to work, I have often operated from a place of fear of losing a job. As a freelance actor and VO artist, I am perpetually trying to work on keeping the jobs coming in. (It was shocking to me when the financial advisor had asked what I was saving for. I was incredulous; I’m just saving not to be on the streets in a few months, not for a skiing holiday or flat screen TV)
I never know when the next job is coming and so have to protect that by doing the best that I can in each and every job. (Which I still adhere to) But I have been so worried about loss in the past that it has prevented me from setting boundaries and voicing concerns when things go awry or unfair demands have been placed on me. I’ve been too fearful of the consequences. While I do believe it’s important to respect others and the people you work for and with, I do also believe that you should be able to respectfully voice your opinions. This is what I was able to do this week.
I felt liberated and amazing for a day or so and then was crippled with the fear of what if I never work for them again. Then it occurred to me that maybe I don’t want to work for people like that again. And thats OK.
Another big thing that happened this week was that I was robbed for the 3rd time in 2 months. As Johanna and I search for meaning now in absolutely everything I’ve spent time wondering what I need to learn from this. Perhaps I’m too attached to money or placed too much value on it and need to let it go.
I don’t believe in coincidences so to have these robberies and then to have found my voice at work which ultimately is having the courage to believe that there will be another job, in a way I am letting go of the grip that money had on me which prevented me from being bold enough to speak my mind.
I believe that if you stand up for yourself for the right reasons, and by that I mean not from a place of ego or fear, then the road will come up to meet you.
The beads have brought my intentions for living to the forefront of my mind every single morning; enabling me to be more aware of words like courage and brave and to consider what they mean to me in my daily life. So yes, this week I didn’t ride into battle, I wasn’t burnt on the stake but I was brave.
