I was home at my mother’s for a week over easter and found some old photos a great photographer and friend of my grandparents took. My mother said he loved taking pictures of me, and when I look at the pics I can see why. I was so alive and expressive, not hiding a single emotion. Everything is on the surface, and he captured every feeling possible in the series he took. At that time I was not using any of the filters I along the way have learnt to add (for better or worse, and for good and bad reasons) to be “correct” to others.
But what I, suddenly as the week now comes to an end, realize is what seems to be a grown up quality of diplomacy is in fact hindering me to be free. Even though I’m still expressive, I now feel I lack some of that ”jazz”. Is it in fact so that I along the way have lost a bit of that glitter in my eyes?
In the picture I am five and a half years old. Fearless, unaware of what life would bring. If I look back at this time in my life it was the end of an era. I hadn’t yet experienced all those things that would make me self-aware; those events that would hurt me, that would bring me down, that would limit me. But I hadn’t yet experienced all those moments that would bring me the most excitement either. It was the blissful years of unawareness and innocence.
As I now reflect on our word for April, ”Do”, I wish I could take back some of that fearlessness my 5,5 year old self had. When there were no worries, and I hadn’t yet felt the losses and setbacks life would hand me. In fact, I’m gonna take some of it back!
Being on a soulful journey comes to that I guess. Me and Mhairi often talk about our journeys as ”shedding skin”. It’s rarely about learning something new, but getting back to or into something more fundamental, true and down to one’s core. It’s about taking off all those layers society and hurtful incidents have caused one to take on. And now, as I look at these pictures and see myself through a grown up’s eyes, I feel sorry that I got so way off track from her. But I am also incredibly happy that I am on my way to get her back.
So maybe the question I’m gonna ask myself in the near future will be, what would my 8 year old self have said, and then answer that with something a tad more refined? Let’s see how that goes!
Love, Johanna.Tags: bliss, childhood, Johanna Ginstmark, The bead movement