The clock was ticking! The starting day was coming closer by the second. I found myself being quite nervous, in fact, actually ANXIOUS. This was as full as my jar would ever get! That’s it. My jar is FULL…
…until I take that first bead out.
I started to feel like my life was slipping out of my hands. Even though I had already started to feel a shift in how I viewed my life, the day I took that first bead out, another shift took place. This shift was more emotional.
When I stood in front of the jar in the early morning of D-day, my heart was racing. This was the start of the rest of my life. I lit a candle next to my jar, and I found myself standing there looking at the jar… Just looking…
My head was empty, and at the same time full of ever-spinning thoughts. I couldn’t possibly decide on what color or shape I wanted for my first bead, so after a beat I closed my eyes and let my hand find that special one in the ocean of my 17,893. THE special one.
I remember my instant reaction, ‘Oh no! I wanted a bright colored one, isn’t this a bit of a boring way to start it?’ It was a natural colored wooden bead.
Then it hit me – my days will be whatever I want them to be. I can either look at this day as a cloudy, grey day, like one in a million (not really, we know that by know, but you get the sense) or I can fill it with all the things I love, wish and hope for.
So a second later I was holding the little bead preciously between my fingertips, looking at it lovingly, and saying a mini prayer filled with my hopes and intentions for this very specific day.
And just like that, it became a moment of magic, peace, and gratefulness. It was a moment of not knowing what to expect, but of something that was full of UNLIMITED POTENTIAL. Because every day is a new bead, and I am the one to set the intentions for it. And as soon as I drop the bead into my little bottle, I let go of the intentions, and I’m ready to get busy with my day. I LOVE IT!
During this first week, even though I now absolutely loved my morning bead ritual, I found myself quite emotional. I was struggling with fears more than before. Not in one area, but in all. It wasn’t until I had a chat with Mhairi that I could pinpoint what was going on…because of course she was feeling it too.
My new morning bead ritual that set the intention to live my day the best way I possibly could, made me confront, head on, all that was previously mentally blocking me from living my life exactly how I wanted to live it. During this week I became so aware of my time, that I intended to live more, and to excel more in every area. Good or great wasn’t good enough anymore, which of course made my ego mind go ballistic from time to time. Frustration was seriously creeping up on me. Because what happens when one decides to look at things for what they truly are, and start to question why and how things are and happens, and why one reacts, and acts the way one does all the time… Fear creeps up!
It might seem like I didn’t want anything or anyone to stand in my way – but it wasn’t like that at all – it was something else, something more profound. I didn’t want ME to stand in my own way.
I was now so aware of the limitations I have put on myself during my lifetime that I became eager to free myself of them.
It was like a veil was unveiled. Suddenly everything in my life became clear, as Mhairi said it became ’a world in Technicolor’. I didn’t want to miss out on anything, I wanted to perform my very best, and I wanted to have it all. I wanted to live, love, and matter in a greater sense. The frustration that was creeping up on me came from my ego fighting for control over the situation, the control of my life. And I knew I would never let it run my world again. But the frustration also came from me dealing with the fighting ego. Of course one wants to be that amazing person who in an instant applies what she learns and conquers it. But I know that the fears will be my mighty antagonist for quite a while, and that is PERFECTLY okay – because this is just the beginning of the journey. So saddle up my friends, this will be an interesting battling adventure.
”Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive—the risk to be alive and express what we really are.” – Don Miguel Ruiz
Love, JohannaTags: butterflies, Don Miguel Ruiz, dreams, fears, goals, inspiration, Johanna Ginstmark, life, love, matters, Technicolor, The bead movement