This was a hard week. A week in which fear had me in a vice; despite starting this new decade with the vision of leaving a crate with the word FEAR on it at the train station platform as I pull off in the train. Toot, toot and disappearing off into the night without any sort of anxiety or fear on board. Seems I had a stowaway who popped out over the past few days.

I had a couple of incidents at work in which I went out on a limb, made myself vulnerable and was met with criticism and a woman in the throws of her own anxiety spitting out some destabilizing venom towards me. I was knocked and woke up a couple of times in the dead of the night to ponder my path and question my life decisions. Everything was extreme. In neon. The best thing that happened this week, a massive win, after 3 years of working towards it, Holly and I were commissioned to create a concept, pitch and produce a mime for a very prestigious company which we hope also will be good for promotion of our work. We excelled and the company sent our work to another company who want a mime series. So a red letter week on the main stage. On the side stages I continue to fight for money now months overdue from a company exasperating me and hanging up on my friend who is trying to help and I crashed and burned at a couple of new work opportunities which left me feeling exhausted and doubtful. Then, last night, I delivered a presentation on the Western Sahara to Amnesty. I had spent most of the week agonizing over the minute of what I was doing wrong and wondering if it was indeed possible for me to succeed with my plans. All this had depleted me and took the wind from out from beneath the main stage wings. I was in a thick tailspin fog and was brought out of it after the presentation at Amnesty, with the organizer who hugged me and told me that the world needs me. It was so simple and so bold a statement that it took my breath away. For all that I bang on about the eagle and the chicken its amazing how fast I can return to the chicken, panicked and squawking and not taking flight, then a gentle reminder from a near stranger of the bigger picture, at whats at stake. I was really floored and inspired and humbled.

Katherine Hepburn played Coco Chanel in a musical called Coco. When she talked about Chanel, Katherine said she was drawn to her because Chanel is a woman who grabs at life, who fights for it. Maya Angelou had said when she found out that someone was cheating her, leave it. I am on my path to ascension I can’t be brought down to deal with that thief and drag him through the coals. My time will be wasted and I’ll be brought down off of my path. How often bad things that come my way can unhinge me and I can lose sight of the bigger picture, of the fight for life on the main stage and instead of flying high I am squawking around in the muck.

This morning I woke up and prayed and meditated on an idea, on a concept that would give me strength today to see clearer and see the bigger picture. The word JOY came into my heart and throughout the day I tried to be joy, in every conversation, in every exchange…what would joy look like here. How does joy wlk down the street? Eat a yam? Even in my yoga class tonight, could I be joy as I move? I felt the anxiety peel away and its true, nothing, nobody or no incident should be able to strip you of that. You do control your heart, your mind and by focusing on this one thing today I have just about taken flight off the farm yard ground and away from the panicking foul. Back up in the air and ready to fly through another day.

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  • Ned Buratovich January 29, 2017 Reply

    Your vulnerability will guide you to your strength. It takes bravery and integrity to share your fears and doubts. May you soon have your “hold my beer and watch this” moments where you face them down and emerge exhilarated.

    • Mhairi February 6, 2017 Reply

      Thank you so much Ned. Your words mean a lot.

  • Michele Morrison January 29, 2017 Reply

    Love you. Praying.

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