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Getting very much into listening and being on hyper alert for signs. Last night was reading again The Alchemist. Such a serious treasure of an amazing book. In the book the shepherd at one point has a moment of self doubt in which he is about to go back to the life he once had. He has been thinking about this for many months, so not an impulsive decision, but going back would mean he would forsake his treasure and following his path. His mind, his logic, tells his to go back but in the end his heart wins through and he pays for passage on a camel to the pyramids, where he believes his treasure to be.

Such pivotal moments have occurred maybe 4 or 5 times so far in my life and I feel I am in one at the moment. In the past I have made these major decisions relatively easily. My intuition has been pretty clear. But these past couple of months I have struggled to see my way. Which means that I have wanted and needed to spend a lot of time listening, walking staring up and the sky and such to find the solution. I do not want to make any kind of emotional decision or be too influenced by a casual remark.

That bit in the book really spoke to me last night and it came into my head today post teaching yoga and on my way to lie on my back under a tree in a park. How close can we be to giving it all up when fear comes to roost. I realized last Sunday post yoga and 2 hour writing and meditating and praying session (1st time I have ever done such a long time listening and thinking of the signs and such) and it suddenly struck me later in the bath that I have been living for about 15 years now with fear surrounding my work. Fear that I lose it, my ultimate fear dying alone on the streets. I think its gradually taken more and more of a hold, like a weed perhaps on my heart.

Last night in the alchemist I also read about omens, that they were Gods way of communicating a path to you. To be on the alert for signs; words that you may read, that people may say etc. Thursday I had an amazing lunch meeting which culminated in my friend suggesting that we teach a class together, ball already rolling, visiting 6 places on Thursday…when we walked back to our cars we saw a dead rat in the car park. (one of my biggest fears-totally phobic of rats) Then yesterday as I was crossing the street to turn down a not good job opportunity I saw another dead rat in the road. I was shocked and then immediately thought of them symbolizing my fear being killed.

This afternoon, back under my tree a friend said to me follow your instinct and trust yourself. I suppose I must have heard that phrase millions of times in my life, trust yourself. But today it really dawned on me that it means your gut instinct is telling you something and you must trust it. Don’t allow the fear in your head to suffocate it. So I am choosing a new way of living, I am choosing a way of faith and belief and stepping into a new chapter without fear. Light at the end of the tunnel beginning to get stronger. Phew. Its been a dark, challenging few months.

 

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