Self worth

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I had a conversation with a fellow writer earlier this week about something that is one of the many reasons I am doing The Bead Movement and personal development work. As a creative person it is easy to connect your worth to the work you are currently doing. You feel good when you’re hired, and when you are temporarily out of work you feel like a looser.

I guess it all has to do with our fear of failure, and that we are highly aware of the realities of this business. That one day you can be in, and the next you can be out. That we are never better than the last piece of work we did, even though we grow and develop into better creators for every assignment we do. When we are wanted by that director, producer or tv channel your glass is filled with Champagne and life is over the moon. And when the phone stops ringing, and the email inbox is filled with nothing but junk mail it’s a life in agony.

I can’t live like that. From that place we are always trying to fit in, trying to be the one they want or need. When living the pleasing life, I feel I am creating material that is less genuine and less interesting than when I create from a fearless place. If I free myself of others’ opinions and whatever is ”hot” at the moment I can create something out of heart. I not only then can do a better job, but also have the potential of creating something ”new” or ”fresh”. So why aren’t we living life that way?

It takes a whole lot of work to get out of that mindset because it is so ingrained in our society and especially in the film and television industry. We have all heard the stories about the rise and fall of stars. How creative people fall behind, how they get unwanted, and inevitably are forgotten. This notion is in truth hurtful when pondered since we put so much into our work. No matter the story it is our soul and heart in it, and we take a giant leap of faith with every project and assignment we take on. Afterwards we are not only evaluated in public for our hearts, minds and souls, but our living also depends on it.

No matter how much I love my work I can’t, for many reasons, let it be how I define me. Most of all I want to be happy, I wanna feel as good as possible no matter what’s going on in my professional life. I want a big life in more aspects than one. I want to live the DREAM where anything and everything is possible. To have magical love, amazing friends, travel the world, and have tons and tons of moments to smile about on my dying day.

I want to be a writer who entertains and inspire millions, and I can’t imagine doing anything else for a living. But I can’t let my worth be defined by my ’calling’ and line of work. I am Johanna, and I am a whole lot more than a writer. I am nowhere near the goal of releasing the tight grip this has had over me, but for every day and every week of work on this, I get a little bit closer to releasing that notion.

Someone might wonder what on earth this has to do with the love for our family and friends, which has been the love challenge for this week. But strangely it has a lot to do with it. Because just as much as I don’t want to be valued for external matters, I don’t wanna value someone else for it. I seek in every moment to be present and see the other person behind their exterior. I seek to see and hear their souls, and their hearts, the core of their being. Because that is all that matters to me.

Love, Johanna.

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