Trust the Process

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I have just started to work on a project that pushes me way out of my comfort zone. It pulls the fear of failure to the surface, at times it makes me doubt my talent and leaves me with sweaty hands and a trembling heart. I have more than once got a slight anxiety attack from making this commitment, but I know it’s what I have to do. The health scare I struggled with for four weeks taught me if I only would’ve had 6 months left to live, this is the project I needed to write. But still I can find myself trying to make up excuses so I won’t need to commit 100% to it.

As soon as my rational thoughts try to talk me out of the project, like ”Is it really wise to try something new, when it’s safer to write something I know I can handle?”, I know it’s my fears and my ego that is doing the talking. It’s not a truth nor a real fear that tries to warn me of some kind of danger. And deep down I know this is the story I can’t die until I have written. Not that I believe I am about to die soon (but you never know). This is my story, even though it’s not a biography nor a story about me. But it’s a story that is rooted in my soul, in my personal universe, my essence, that speak my truth, and tells my perspective. It’s a story that speaks of injustice, of trials, of how one never should give up trying, because there’s always another door that can be opened. This story is important not just for personal reasons, but because it states a bigger truth about our society that I feel is worth telling.

What I realized this week while talking to Mhairi was that I above all else just need to trust the process. Trust that the road will come up and meet me when time comes. Trust that I am on the right path. That I am doing the right thing. Because in essence life is not, and should not be, a life lived in a safety box. After all, “life is either a daring adventure or nothing” as Helen Keller said. Right?

To trust this is the scariest thing I have done since I decided to become a writer over a decade ago. The decision then made me sweat, more than once. So did this. And it still does. Someone has said that uneasy feelings are there to show us what is important, that they are there to guide us to action. I believe that. Because if there is no risk, it’s rarely worth it. So why shouldn’t it be true when it comes to this?

So this week I’m battling faith and trust again. Because I know this work is what I am here to do. Fear stands in my way, and so I release it. Every morning as I am about to start writing I’m taking a little leap of faith, because I need to keep on walking. One trusting leap at a time.

Love, Johanna.

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