Eye test. I am so squeamish that an eye test was certainly not on my to do list while on holiday in Scotland, but due to recent streaming eyes and bright lights causing me to stare down at my feet I was forced into testing and seeing whats what. I, like most people, have a fear of going blind preferring to bury my head in the sand when it comes to all things eye tests…a bit like bank statements; ignorance is bliss. What will I do if they tell me solemnly right this is irreversible and you have merely a few days left to see? Fortunately I had assurances from a few friends that should that be the case they would look after my blind self and me. So I had options. After the harrowing main testing which despite me barely breathing, trying to ace my way through it, I basically did ace my way through it and was relieved to be told I had 20/20 vision or thereabouts for the next few years at least until the unavoidable WOULD definitely happen (despite the number of carrots I could eat) that I would need for 100% sure reading glasses. I had a peripheral vision test. For those of you who have yet to experience this its when you watch a screen and stare at a single red light. Bright yellow lights then dart around you and when you see one you have to push a button. I realized pretty much straight away that each time a little bright light flashed there was a noise that accompanied the light. Thus times were when I couldn’t see the light but I could hear the sound I pushed the button. I scored 100% which wasn’t exactly true to be honest. I had effectively cheated on my peripheral vision test. Not really sure why I would do this although for some reason was just hell bent on scoring perfectly and not being told anything scary like you’re going blind.
As I am all about symbolism right now I was thinking about the significance of this on the last day of the year. Cheating through a peripheral vision test. What does that say about me? I look at the major things in life but do I take in the things on the side lines? Do I not deem them so important? Is there something in wanting to appear to the optometrist that everything was great, that I was in tip top condition, when the truth was that I probably would’ve scored around 80% if I was being honest with it all. And that that knowledge maybe useful and perhaps the doctor could have given me something or advised me on a way to strengthen my peripheral vision. But instead I was determined to appear to be fully healthy. Its like when I was about 8 years old when I had an operation on my teeth. I had had to have gas and when I came around I was in a wheelchair. Although I was so groggy I could barely stand I forced myself out of the wheelchair as I didn’t want people passing by to imagine that I couldn’t walk; despite the fact that at that moment I basically couldn’t. Amazing that it seems to me I put myself in harms way potentially for the sole reason of saving face to strangers. Of appearing to be stronger than I actually am in that moment.
Is that like my other things in life where I prefer people to think I am doing 100% brilliantly when actually there are a couple things amiss? I imagine that to be the case with most people to be honest. We have a calm, everything is gong brilliantly thanks face for the world and a real face for closer people. But maybe like cheating on an eye test it would be better not to cheat and not to say everything’s good when it’s not, maybe 100% honesty more of the time is the best way forward. Maybe you could get some help and help others by being honest. I know in some cultures when someone asks how are you you get a full blown serious answer rather than a simple I’m fine and you?
I would say that honesty is one of the things very important to me. One of the things I would like to say I live my life by. I guess in this case brave also plays into it. Being brave enough to take whatever comes what may on the chin and not hide from it. To be strong enough to know I can take it if there is something wrong, rather that than pretending everything is OK. So going into 2015 I endeavor to be braver, stronger and more honest and to have faith that come what may I can withstand it. And next time I am faced with flashing lights on a screen I will be able to stand there and say I didn’t see that, to be honest.brave, courage, honesty, Mhairi Morrison, The bead movement, vision