Johanna’s Week 15

Health scare part 3 (Got the results – 100% healthy)

And so I waited, uneasy and nervous, for the results of last week’s biopsy. The question of being sick or not was on repeat in my head. When I finally got the results that I didn’t have cancer a chock wave of relief went through every cell of my body. As I let go of the thoughts of potential death, or a year of treatment, and years of being afraid of a relapse, the doctor a second later said:

”We need to take more tests”

I can still feel my body and mind freeze as my world once again stopped in a blink of an eye. I had thought it was a matter of having cancer or being healthy. Nothing more. That the results from the biopsy would be the end of worry. Apparently it wasn’t. In fact, what I hadn’t yet realized was that I needed another round of tests before I could walk out of that hospital healthy.

It’s absolutely amazing what an effect The Bead Movement has had on my life. It’s a weekly hunt for symbols and signs signifying my life. It’s a way of always trying to understand the bigger picture so I can live my life the best way I can, every single day. It’s a way of not wanting to miss out on what could be the highlights or opportunities for growth. It’s also a way of making sense of things and events that otherwise might seem random. This week it became obvious that what I needed on all levels (professional and personal) in my life was another round of tests until I could get out of that boxing ring for this time around.

I made a quick decision not to turn to Google to find out what other possible illnesses I might have. The past weeks of cutting out fearful distractions had made an impact on what I choose to spend time doing. I was about to head out of town for a long weekend in Spain with my boyfriend, and the only thing I could hear whispering deep from within was that I needed a break. I needed time to get away, to get reenergized in order to see things clearly. I felt as though I was in the storm’s eye unable to see a way out. And I couldn’t but think of the situation in terms of symbolism as a game of boxing. The fighter needs the breaks in between the rounds to catch one’s breath, to refocus, and to let go of what happened in the latest round in order to win the next one. And that was exactly what I needed. A break.

I sat on the balcony facing the ocean in Spain doing my morning meditation, taking in all that has been, and all that is. The sound of the waves, the warm winds from the ocean touching the palm trees, and how the sun rays reheated my winter cold body. Later the lovely days of walking the streets of Barcelona hand in hand with my love, and the long nights of tapas and wine. I felt as though I was healing. As I later found myself embraced, overlooking the city of Barcelona from Park Güell I felt that I could finally breathe without fear again. I sensed in every inch of my body that there is never another time than now. And right now life was all that it should be.

After the plane had taken off from Barcelona airport, somewhere high above the clouds, my plan for fighting the next round was slowly getting in shape. And when the plane touched down in Stockholm I knew that I was ready for another round of boxing.

Love, Johanna.

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