Johanna’s Week 14

Week 14 – Health scare part 2 (I got the results, 100% healthy)

It was an early Monday morning when I went to the Oncology Department at the hospital for a biopsy. Having friends who suffer and recover from cancer have made this brutal illness present in my life, but as with everything else – it’s not until you face it yourself that it becomes a reality. As I walked into the building I saw the faces of people who just got diagnosed, just started chemo, just got their first operation, just finished treatment, just got a relapse, or people who were just luckily healthy. It was a rather frightening walk into this building and up those stairs, but somewhere within me I could still feel that wholeness that told me ’what ever happens, it will happen for a reason’.

My firm belief in life is that there is no randomness. That there is a plan for me. No matter how harsh or brutal the world or the situation in my life might seem at the moment, I know there’s a way through, past and beyond. I have a sense that there is always a reason for me to be confronted with whatever difficulties cross my path. Some people absolutely disagree with this view, because how can one argue that the horrible things happening in our world have a reason? If one believes in God, they might say ’How can He let this happen?’. I don’t know where my strong sense of belief comes from, because I don’t come from a religious background. I haven’t seen myself as a religious person before, but more like a spiritual one. My belief might just be a coping mechanism I took on as I was struggling the hardships of my life. Or maybe it’s just simply the way I am.

Somehow I know that the situations that come my way are here to teach me something, and that it is up to me whether or not I decide to learn the lessons. I also know, the sooner I get the lesson the better, because if I don’t get the lesson the first time around it will come back and haunt me in a bigger and more hurtful way. Guru Singh at Yoga West LA said during this year’s Summer Solstice Workshop that one can choose to learn one’s lessons joyfully or one can choose to learn them through pain. That stuck with me, because as I reflect on my life I find it a truth. So nowadays, even more so since I’ve started this beading life, I choose to pay attention and try to get the lessons as fast as I can.

The beads have in a more profound and deeply rooted way sparked this notion of listening and paying attention to the signs life hands me. It’s a way of becoming more intuitive to the little things. To, before making decisions that seem rational and good on a material or intellectual level, turn to my heart to figure out if this is the best road to travel. I no longer go for short term payoffs, but see my time as limited and by that it has to fill a higher or more committed (life) purpose. The Bead Movement has given me that sense of urgency, to pay attention to what I do with each and every day, because no matter if I am sick or not I don’t have that many days left to live. So now when I found myself maybe having cancer it quadrupled the urgency to live my life the way I truly want to.

It was as if I needed to confront death (illness) right in this moment this week in order to make a decision regarding work that I had been postponing for some time. I had gotten the signs over and over again during the last months, but I hadn’t acted on them. Having friends that are tuned in with your soul makes decision making so much easier. They help you read those signs that at times might be to close for oneself to see. This decision sparked strong fears based on past conditioning. But, when taking into the picture that I might have cancer, I knew that if I just have 6 months left to live this would be the thing I would want to die having done. Not doing that turned out to be a bigger fear than the fear of failure that was holding me back. So while I’m waiting on the results from the biopsy, I took the first initial steps towards following what seems to be a scary path, but a path that I trust I’m meant to walk, a path that I know is here to teach me something.

Love Johanna.

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